题目：剑7 Test 2 小作文
With the development of society, 1the crime rate is growing consistently and crime types are diversifying as well. Accordingly, people pay more attention to 2the crime and 3 4the following punishments. Some people think that there should be fixed punishments for each kind of offence while others believe that 5it should be considered from several aspects like the circumstances and motivations of a crime.
Punishing in a fixed way for each type of crime can enhance 6the 7effectivity and save 8the cost obviously. When 9the crime is 10dealed with this way, the only thing11 12need to be done is to judge the type of 13the crime. In other words, the whole amount of work is decreased significantly and there will be less time and work force for solving every case. Therefore, there will be less delayed punishments and the government funding will be saved considerably.
However, deciding on the punishments in this way may not persuade 14the citizens enough in some cases. For example, punishment for a first committing person and that for a person who has been 15offended the same kind of crime several times should not be the same as we all know. Furthermore, the motivation for the offence is also a core aspect. Even though two people 16committed the same type of crime, the one who did it by mistake should be 17dealed in a more forgiving way.
Personally, I think that 18the 19punishment should not 20be only considered from the result of the crime, because the motivation and circumstance can be 21the more important factors to the punishment.
1：批改解释：The article is poorly employed. 修改建议：Omit.
2: 批改解释：Poor use of the article. 修改建议：Omit.
6: 批改解释：The article is not needed. 修改建议：Omit.
8: 批改解释：The article is not needed here. 修改建议：Omit.
9: 批改解释：Poor use of the article. 修改建议：a.
13: 批改解释：Poor use of the article. 修改建议：Omit.
14: 批改解释：Poor employment of the article. 修改建议：Omit.
18: 批改解释：Poor use of article. 修改建议：Omit.
21: 批改解释：Poor use of article. 修改建议：Omit.
3: 批改解释：Use a pronoun here to refer to crime. 修改建议：its.
4: 批改解释：The phrase is not needed. When used it does not make a clear meaning of the subject. 修改建议：Omit.
5: 批改解释：Poor word used. 修改建议：punishments.
15: 批改解释：The choice of word is poor. 修改建议：committing.
7: 批改解释：The form of the word is wrong. 修改建议：effectiveness.
10: 批改解释：Invalid word formation. 修改建议：dealt.
17: 批改解释：Invalid word formation. 修改建议：dealt with.
11: 批改解释：A word is missing. 修改建议：that.
12: 批改解释：The verb tense is poor. 修改建议：needs.
16: 批改解释：Poor verb form. 修改建议：might commit.
19: 批改解释：Might the use of the singular and plural forms. 修改建议：punishments.
20: 批改解释：The order of the words is wrong. 修改建议：only be.
任务完成情况 Development and Details
Addresses all aspects of the task
文章组织和结构 Organization & Structure
Sequencing of information and ideas logically using paragraphs appropriately
论点扩展和细节运用 Development & Details
A well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas.
词汇运用 Lexical resources
Uses a range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to convey precise meanings.
Command of the elements of Standard Written English, incl. grammar, and variety of sentence structures.
整体评分 Holistic Assessment
Effectively and completely answered the task, and conveyed clearly in a cohesive and fluent manner.
Your essay is well developed. The introduction is well founded. It gives a good definition of the topic given. You should develop a good thesis statement at the end of the introduction. “Such ideas about punishments can only be understood after a thorough analysis of what holds more water; fixed punishments or punishing according to motivation and circumstance.” This is a better thesis statement. It shows what you are going to discuss and links to the main body as well.
The views presented in the main body are relevant and well elaborated. You have given ample explanations and examples. Logically, the ideas given in the main body are well structured. You have developed good topic sentences at the beginning of the main body paragraphs. This is good. The structure of the main body paragraphs is standard. Your conclusion is well established. It gives a good sum of the ideas discussed. You made some errors that have impacted on your writing. Most important and probably confusing is the use of articles. Note that the definite article changes the state of the noun. This means that if used, it means the noun is specific and known. So to make the noun a general idea, the definite article is not needed. For example, “the” is not needed before “crime” because when you say “the crime” it means you are referring to a given crime already known. Try to avoid unnecessary phrases and words that make the essay ambiguous. For example, “the following” in the introduction.
The word “punishment” in the conclusion is changed to plural so as to have a general idea. Mind the verb tenses and form. The word “dealed” does not exist. Its right form is “dealt”. You ought to be more coherent than this so as to have a better essay. Try to use diversified sentences and employ more vocabulary to give this essay more weight. The overall general structure of the essay is standard.