1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
4. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
5. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
9. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
10. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.