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发表于:2014-05-23 08:37 [只看楼主] [划词开启]

5 Signs a Friend’s Relationship May Be on the Rocks

What to look for and why to trust your gut.



People are insatiably curious about their friends' relationships: Will Maggie and Luke stay together? How will Riley and Lisa handle long-distance? Will Aubrey ever meet someone? Our fascination with the relationships that surround us may reflect genuine concern for the happiness and well-being of our friends (or just a penchant for gossip), but how accurate are our perceptions? As outsiders, are we any good at predicting the future of others' relationships? Healthy relationships are linked to both psychological and physical well-being (Baumeister & Leary, 1995), and if we are interested in supporting our friends, having a clear compass directing our impressions is critical.

人们总是没完没 了的八卦朋友们的婚恋关系:玛姬会和卢克好吗?莱利和丽莎的异地恋怎么办?奥布里有木有跟人约会过?我们之所以执迷自己身边好友的婚恋关系可能反映出我们真正是关心朋友的快乐和幸福(或只是一个八卦爱好者)。但是我们的看法有多准呢?作为外人,我们真的善于预测他人恋情的未来么?健康的婚恋关系到心理和生理幸福感,如果确实有意支持自己的朋友,那么有一枚厘清思路的指南针非常重要。

Luckily, scholars have identified certain patterns that can differentiate between happy and less-happy couples, some of which a savvy observer can notice. Sharpen your detective skills by reviewing this sampling of lesser-known indicators that can help you discern whether a friend's, child’s, or co-worker’s relationship might be headed for trouble:


1. Your friend has no illusions about his/her partner. Happy couples tend to view each other through rose-colored glasses, perceiving each other as more “perfect” than they really are (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 1996). Instead of noticing their partner’s weaknesses, happy couples notice and accentuate their partner’s strengths. Such habits of maintaining positive illusions of a partner are highly predictive of relationship stability (Le, Dove, Agnew, Korn, & Mutso, 2010), suggesting that the absence of illusions could be a sign of trouble.



2. Your friend’s friends are getting divorced. Like a good cookie recipe or a bad cold, divorce can make its way through social groups, passed from friend to friend. Using data from a 32-year longitudinal study, researchers found that a person’s likelihood of divorce increases 75 percent if a "direct connection" (a close friend) is divorced, and 33 percent if a friend’s friend is divorced (McDermott, Fowler, & Christakis, 2013). This is certainly not deterministic, but it does appear that people might be more likely to seriously consider separation if they have friends who have already done so.


就像好的曲奇配方或 是重感冒一样,离婚能够通过社会团体感染的,在朋友间相互传染。研究人员通过32年纵向研究数据发现,“直接相关”(一位亲密友人)的朋友离婚的话,被感 染离婚的可能性会达75%,但当一个朋友的朋友离婚,自己可能离婚的可能性为33%。当然这并非宿命论,不过一旦身边的好友们纷纷离婚的话,人们确实会 更认真考虑自己也要离一离。

3. Your gut tells you the relationship won't last. Outsiders’ impressions are often more accurate predictors of a relationship's fate than a couple’s own perceptions (Agnew, Loving, & Drigotas, 2001). While it may not be perfect, your gut assessment is often on the right track. Further, outsiders' perceptions of how happy friends are in relationships generally correspond with how much they, as outsiders, approve of those friends' relationships (Etcheverry, Le, & Hoffman, 2013). You might think these impressions are benign, but far form it: Outsiders’ approval often leads to actual behaviors that affect the stability of a relationship (Sprecher, 2011). In other words, how we think about our friends' relationships can actually play a role in influencing that relationship's success.


比 起情侣的那点洞察力,外人对于他们关系的未来,印象往往更准确。对于一段不完美感情,你的直觉通常是对的。而且,外人对于这对伴侣是否幸福的感知通常建立 在对他们的满意度上。你感觉他们关系好得很,实际上差的远。外人的赞同往往直接导致他们婚恋的稳固性。换言之,我们的态度对朋友的婚恋关系实际上影响深远。

4. Your friend makes a lot more (or less) money than his/her spouse. Before they were married or committed to each other, how financially well-matched were your friend and his or her spouse? A recent study in Sweden suggests that inequality in earning capacity before marriage predicts shaky relationship stability (Astrom, Nakosteen, Westerlund, & Zimmerman, 2011): The greater the premarital difference between partners’ earnings, the more susceptible the relationship may be to divorce. (This pattern actually reflects a stronger predictor of relationshipsatisfaction—incomesimilarity. Couples who are similar tend to be more satisfied in their marriages and their marriages are characterized by less negative affect (Gaunt, 2006).)
4. 朋友与其配偶收入差距大。(更多或更少)
在 你的朋友结婚或者确定恋爱关系之前,他们的财政情况是否匹配?瑞士最近一项研究表明,婚前收入能力不平等预示婚后关系不稳定。婚前他们收入差距越大,婚姻 关系就越容易受到影响甚至导致离婚。(这种 “婚姻满意度-收入相似性”模式具有很强的预测性。收入相似的夫妇在他们的婚姻满意度更高;并且这样的婚姻具有不易被撼动的特性。)

5. You've witnessed defensiveness. On occasion, friends will witness arguments or conflicts between their friends and their friends’ romantic partners. Conflict, in and of itself, is not bad for relationships—indeed, it can be healthy. But you should also consider what type of communication you see within your friends' arguments: Do they listen to each other and take ownership of their roles in a problem? Or are they defensive? Defensive denial, a type of defensiveness, is toxic to relationship well-being (Lannin, Bittner, & Lorenz, 2013). Defensive denial might involve refusing to acknowledge one’s own responsibility in a problem, or making excuses for one’s self. Recent evidence suggests that over time, defensive denial can predict habits of conflict escalation, which in turn, fuel relationship instability (Lannin et al., 2013).
5. 你曾目睹过他们之间的防备
偶 尔人们会目睹朋友和其伴侣之间的争执和冲突。冲突本身并不是一种糟糕的关系——事实还是挺健康的。但应该考虑的是他们这段关系中冲突的形态:他们有没有倾 听对方、承担起自己的责任?他们是否很防备?防御型的否决对于二者关系是毒素。防御型的否决可能在问题出现时拒不承认自己有所责任,或者为自己找借口。最近有证据显示,随着时间的推移防御否决预示冲突升级的习惯,而结果是加速二者关系分崩离析。

While there’s no one recipe for relationship disengagement (Baxter, 1984), a collection of these signs might suggest your friend’s relationship has a lot stacked against it. By paying attention and listening for these and other signs, friends can make a difference in the lives of their friends, offering support when a relationship is struggling.

Remember: As outsiders, we have access to only a limited amount of information. We can never truly know what a relationship dynamic is like between two people, when we ourselves are not either of those people. The best we can do is pay attention and be there to help our friends sustain healthy, rewarding, and satisfying relationships.


@花甲吉吉 @ydyinglluk


最后编辑于:2014-10-29 21:14
分类: 英语
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