20140705【译艺探索】思考与比较(5)

汪德均 (老顽童) 译坛新宠
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发表于:2014-07-05 09:49 [只看楼主] [划词开启]


 20140705【译艺探索】思考与比较——《陶乐熙奇遇记》翻译札记(5)

五   文学性

文学性即形象性、生动性,所写的环境、景物,要像画面一样展示在读者面前,让人有身临其境的感觉;写人的动作情态,要如见其人,如闻其声;人物需个性鲜明。原作是文学经典,译者当然必须在译文中再现原作的文学性。

总之,既要尽量再现原文的语气、形象,又要符合现代汉语的表达习惯,富于文学性,包括音乐性与节奏感。

 

1、   介绍环境。(第一章)

Dorothy lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and Aunt Em, who was the farmer's wife. Their house was small, for the lumber to build it had to be carried by wagon many miles. There were four walls, a floor and a roof, which made one  room; and this room contained a rusty looking cookstove, a cupboard for the dishes, a table, three or four cha2irs, and the beds. Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had a big bed in one corner, and Dorothy a little bed in another cor2ner. There was no garret at all, and no cellar--except a small hole  dug in the ground, called a cyclone cellar, where the family could go in  case one of those great whirlwinds arose, mighty enough to crush any building in its path. It was reached by a trap door in the middle of the floor, from which a ladder led down into the small, dark hole.

   

     堪萨斯大草原的中部,有一座房子房子里住着陶乐熙和她的亨利伯伯与爱姆婶婶,伯伯是农夫,婶婶是农妇。这房子很小很小,因为修建房子的木材啊,要用马车到老远老远的地方去拉回来。房子只有四堵墙,一个地板和一个屋顶。房间里有一个生了锈的炉灶,一个碗柜,一张桌子,三、四把椅子和两张床。亨利伯伯和爱姆婶婶的那张大床,在一个角落里;陶乐熙的小床,在另一个角落里。屋子里没有阁楼,也没有地窖,却在地上挖了一个小洞,叫做“避风洞”;旋风一来,全家人都可以躲进去。旋风的力气可大可大了,连房屋都可以摧毁!地板中间有一道活板门,门里有架梯子,通到那个黑黢黢的小洞里。

 

这是本书的开头,介绍故事发生的环境。就像是电影画面:一望无际的大草原上出现一个小黑点,小黑点逐渐变大,原来才是一座木头房子——房间里面的陈设——特点:无阁楼,无地窖,有“避风洞”。叙述的是“物”怎么样,而不是“人”怎么样。

如果译成“陶乐熙和她的······住在堪萨斯大草原的中部······,叙述的就是“”怎么样,而不是“”怎么样了。同理,若把引文中黑体部分译作:“亨利伯伯和爱姆婶婶睡屋角的一张大床陶乐熙睡另一角落里的小床”,也是一样的。

此外,原书本是给孩子们讲的故事,就带有讲故事的口吻,但又不很明显;读译文时,也要有这种感觉。所以,把“Their  house was small, for the lumber to build it had to be carried by wagon many miles”译成“这房子很小很小,因为修建房子的木材啊,要用马车到老远老远的地方去拉回来”,就是要再现那种讲故事的口吻。

   参较(A为张建平译,B为马爱农译,全文皆同):

   A、 有个小姑娘叫多萝西,是个孤儿,她和亨利叔叔、爱姆婶婶生活在一起,他们住在堪萨斯大草原的中部。叔叔是个农夫。他们的房子很小,因为造房子的原木要从很远的地方用车子拉来。房子有四堵墙,下有地板,上有屋顶,里面有一个生锈的炉灶,一只碗柜,一张桌子,三四把椅子,两张床。亨利叔叔和爱姆婶婶睡屋角的一张大床,多萝西睡另一角落里的小床。屋里没有阁楼,也没有地窖,只有一个小洞,是在地上挖出来的,叫做防旋风地洞,草原上的龙卷风足以把房屋刮倒,遇到这种情况,全家人就躲到这个洞里避难。洞子挖在地板中央,上面有一扇活板门,翻起这扇门,就能顺着梯子下到黑咕隆咚的小洞里。

     

    B、多萝西和她的亨利叔叔、艾姆婶婶一起生活在堪萨斯大草原上。叔叔是个农夫,他们的房子很小,因为建房子的木头是马车从好远的地方运来的。四面墙加上屋顶和地板,构成了一间屋子。这问屋子里有一个看上去锈迹斑斑的炉灶,一个碗柜,一张桌子,三四把椅子,还有两张床。亨利叔叔和艾姆婶婶的大床在一个墙角,多萝西的小床在另一个墙角。没有顶楼,也没有地窖——只有地上挖的一个小洞,被称为龙卷风地窖,每当那种威力无比、摧毁一路所有建筑物的大旋风刮来的时候,全家人就躲到地窖里去。屋子中央的地上有个活板门,有一架梯子通向下面那个黑乎乎的小洞。

2、景物描写。

1)(第一章)

    When Dorothy stood in the doorway and looked around, she could see nothing but the great gray prairie on every side. Not a tree nor a house  broke the broad sweep of flat country that reached to the edge of the sky in all directions. The sun had baked the plowed land into a gray mass, with little cracks running through it. Even the grass was not

green, for the sun had burned the tops of the long blades until they were the same gray color to be seen everywhere. Once the house had been painted, but the sun blistered the paint and the rains washed it away, and now the house was as dull and gray as everything else.

 陶乐熙站在门口,四下张望:只见四面八方,除了一片灰蒙蒙的大草原,什么也没有;平坦的原野一望无际,直到天边,既看不到树木、也看不到房屋;太阳把犁过的土地烘烤成了一片灰土,一条条小小的裂缝穿行于其间;就连那些草都不是绿色的:高高的草尖都被太阳烤焦了,最后融进了漫天遍野的灰色;这房子以前也上过漆,但是给太阳晒得起了泡,一下雨就冲刷掉了;于是,房子和周围的一切一样,也变得暗淡单调、灰不溜丢的了。

 

这是小女孩眼睛里所看到的景象,灰色,不仅是大草原的颜色,也代表着人们的心情。“什么也没有”暗示她还想看到点儿别的,例如,青葱翠绿的草木蔬菜,五颜六色的鲜花等等;如果原作想表达“只能看见”的话,何不用“she could only see···”?“一条条小小的裂缝穿行于其间”给人以动感:随着眼睛看过去,那些裂缝由近而远地延伸出去。

 

参较:

A、              多萝西站在门口朝四处看只能看见一大片灰蒙蒙的草原。四面八方都是一马平川延伸到天边,看不见一棵树或一幢房子。太阳把耕地晒成灰色一片,到处都有细小的裂纹。就连草儿也不是绿的,因为太阳把叶尖也晒成了灰色,看上去到处都是灰蒙蒙的。多萝西家的房子曾粉刷过,但经过一次次的日晒雨淋,颜色早已褪尽,房子也变得和其他东西一样灰不溜秋了。

B、              多萝西站在门口,朝四下张望,周 围什么也没有只有一望无际的灰色大草原。无论朝哪个方向 望去,平坦的旷野一直延伸到天际,看不见一棵树、一座房屋。太阳把犁过 的土地烤 成了焦灰色,地面裂开一道道细纹。草也不绿了,太阳把高高的茅草尖都烤 得焦枯了, 结果看上去到处都是一片灰色。房子以前是刷过漆的,但太阳把油漆晒得起了泡,雨水把剥落的油漆冲走了,现在这房子也跟周围所有的东西一样灰蒙蒙的,暗淡无光。

2)(第一章)

From the far north they heard a low wail of the wind, and Uncle Henry and Dorothy could see where the long grass bowed in waves before the coming storm. There now came a sharp whistling in the air from the south, and as they turned their eyes that way they saw ripples in the grass coming from that direction also.

从老远老远的北方,传来了一阵低沉的呼啸——是风暴!亨利伯伯和陶乐熙看见,风暴到来前,那些长长的草叶随风弯下腰去,如波浪般起伏。突然,从南方的天空又传来一声刺耳的呼啸!他们转过头去,只见一波接一波的草浪又从那个方向由远而近,奔涌而来!

 

描写旋风到来前的情景,烘托紧张气氛,让读者与主人公一起感同身受,听到呼啸,马上意识到是风暴,力求“如在眼前、身临其境”。

 

参较:

A、               他们听见从遥远的北方传来了狂风低沉的呼啸声,亨利叔叔和多萝西看见长长的草儿被正在到来的狂风吹得像波浪似的起舞。这时南边的天空中传来一阵尖厉的呼啸声,他们朝那个方向看去,只见那里的草也荡开了涟漪。

B、               从远远的北方传来一阵低沉的、呼啸的风声,亨利叔叔和多萝西看见长长的茅草在风暴来临前像波浪一样翻滚起伏。这时空中南面又传来一声尖厉的呼啸,他们转眼一看,只见那个方向的茅草也朝这边起伏翻滚


       3、人物个性化语言

      1)(第九章)

     The field mouse, now that it was freed from its enemy, stopped short; and coming slowly up to the Woodman it said, in a squeaky little voice:

"Oh, thank you! Thank you ever so much for saving my life."

田鼠见敌人已死,立即停下,慢慢地走向樵夫,用吱吱吱的声音小声说:

   “壮士仗义相救,不胜感激之至!”

   参较:

   A、“哦,谢谢你!非常感谢你救了我。”

   B、“哦,谢谢你!非常感谢你救了我的命。

田鼠女王既是“女王”,当然身份高贵,也受过良好的教育,在陌生的救命恩人面前,也不免有些矜持,那种高贵的矜持。想一想欧洲的王宫,女王的言语动作。

本章下文还有这样一句:

Dorothy nodded gravely and the Queen made a curtsy.

陶乐熙庄重地向女王点了点头,女王向她行了一个优雅的屈膝礼

参较:

A、   多萝西严肃地点点头,女王向她行了个礼。

B、   多萝西严肃地点点头,女王欠身行了个礼。

 

2)(第九章)

"Then send for them all to come here as soon as possible, and let each one bring a long piece of string."

(稻草人说)“那么,恳请陛下传令:全体鼠民速来,每鼠带一长绳。

参较:

A、“那你尽快把它们都招来,让它们全都带一根绳子。”

B、“那就叫它们全都尽快赶到这里来,让每只田鼠都带一根长绳子。”

 

 

 稻草人在这个团队中最爱思考,也善于思考,善于留心相关情况,因此也最有智慧,每一次遇到困难或危险,都是他想出了妙计,取得了一个又一个的胜利。这一次,又是他想出了妙计,俨然像一个指挥千军万马的将军,请女王下令,命令当然得简洁有力,易记易传。

3)(第十一章)

The little girl began to weep, she was so much disappointed; and the eyes winked again and looked upon her anxiously, as if the Great Oz felt that she could help him if she would. "I never killed anything, willingly," she sobbed. "Even if I wanted to, how could I kill the Wicked Witch? If you, who are Great and Terrible, cannot kill her yourself, how do you expect me to do it?"

"I do not know," said the Head; "but that is my answer, and until the Wicked Witch dies you will not see your uncle and aunt again. Remember that the Witch is Wicked--tremendously Wicked -and ought to be killed.  Now go, and do not ask to see me again until you have done your task.”

小女孩忍不住哭了起来,她太失望了。那双眼睛又眨了一下,焦急地注视着她;似乎伟大的奥兹也觉得,如果陶乐熙愿意,就能够帮助他杀死恶女巫。

 “我从来没有想要杀死过什么,”她抽泣地说。“就算我想要杀死那个恶女巫,又怎么能办得到?如果您,您这么无所不能、令人可怕的巫师,都做不到的,又怎么能指望我做到?”

我不管!”那个大头说,“这就是我的回答。只要恶女巫死,你就别想再见到你的伯伯和婶婶。记住,那是个恶女巫,邪恶无比,——她罪该万死!现在,你走吧;完不成任务,就别来见我!”

参较:

A、“这我可不知道,”头颅说,“但这就是我的答复,除非那个恶女巫死了,否则你别想再见到你的叔叔和婶婶。记住,那是个恶女巫——非常邪恶——应该被杀死。现在你可以走了,不完成任务别再想见我。”

B、“我不知道”,大脑袋说,“但这就是我的回答,除非邪恶女巫死了,不然你是不会见到你的叔叔和婶婶的。你要记住,那个女巫是邪恶的——是无比邪恶的——所以应该把她杀死。现在去吧,在没有完成任务之前,不要再来见我了。”

 

我不管!”——至于你怎么去杀死恶女巫能不能杀死她或是被她杀死,那是你的事,我可管不着!反正你必须杀死她,我才会送你回堪萨斯与你的伯伯和婶婶团聚!奥兹逼迫一个毫无魔法的小姑娘去杀死法力强大的恶女巫,毫无商量的余地,难道逼她去送死?!人们传说中,奥兹是“仁慈善良,英明睿智、无所不能的伟大巫师”,“法力超过所有的女巫”,但同时,从第二章到本章,又多次通过不同人物的口,说奥兹terrible, most terrible!他究竟是什么样的人?为什么要这样做?请看第十五章:

"One of my greatest fears was the Witches, for while I had no magical  powers at all I soon found out that the Witches were really able to do  wonderful2 things. There were four of them in this country, and they ruled the people who live in the North and South and East22 and West.  Fortunately, the Witches of the North and South were good, and I knew they would do me no harm; but the Witches of the East and West were terribly wicked, and had they not thought I was more powerful than they themselves, they would surely have destroyed me. As it was, I lived in deadly fear of them for many years; so you can imagine how pleased I was

 when I heard your house had fallen on the Wicked Witch of the East. When you came to me, I was willing to promise anything if you would only do away with the other Witch; but, now that you have melted her, I am ashamed to say that I cannot keep my promises."

   “ 我最害怕的就是那些女巫,因为我没有任何魔法;而我很快就发现女巫们真的具有神奇的本事。这片大地上有四个女巫,分别统治着东、南、西、北四方的民众。

幸好,北方与南方的女巫善良仁慈,我知道她们不会伤害我;但是东方和西方的女巫非常邪恶;要不是她们以为我比她们更强大,肯定早就把我灭掉了!可以说,多年来,我一直生活在恐惧之中!因此,听说你的房子砸死了东方恶女巫,我那个高兴劲呀,就别提了!你们来求我,我正好要借助你们除掉另一个恶女巫;只要你们能够,我愿意答应你们任何事情!现在,既然你已经溶化了她,我只能惭愧地说,我没法兑现我的诺言。”

 

原来如此!奥兹很清楚,陶乐熙穿着法力强大的银鞋,有条件也有可能杀死恶女巫;即使做不到,因为额上有北方女巫的吻痕,恶女巫也伤害不了陶乐熙;当然,他也很清楚,只有斩钉截铁地逼迫陶乐熙一行,才能坚定他们杀死恶女巫的信念——所以他才会说:我不管!I dont know 译成 “我不管!”或“我管不着!”才能表现出他当时的心理、情态。

 

 

       4、生动性。

1)(第二章)

The Witch gave Dorothy a  friendly little nod, whirled around on her left heel three times, and straightway disappeared, much to the surprise of little Toto, who barked

after her loudly enough when she had gone, because he had been afraid even to growl while she stood by.

But Dorothy, knowing her to be a witch, had expected her to disappear in  just that way, and was not surprised in the least.

女巫亲切地向陶乐熙微微点了一下头,左脚后跟旋转了三圈,一下子就不见了。见此情景,小狗托托大吃一惊,不断大叫;可刚才在女巫旁边,他吓得连声都不敢吭。

可陶乐熙却一点儿也不吃惊:因为知道她是女巫,早就料到她会那样消失的。

 

可陶乐熙却一点儿也不吃惊”是当时的情景,可见可感,放在句首,一是与“小狗托托大吃一惊”相对照,二是让读者好奇:她为什么不吃惊?后面补充说明原因,也是她的心理活动。

参较:

A、     但是陶乐熙既然已经知道她是个女巫,她这样消失正在她意料之中,因此丝毫不感到惊奇。

B、     不过,多萝西知道她是个女巫,料到她会以那样的方式消失,就丝毫也没感到吃惊。

2)(第十章)

There was a bell beside the gate, and Dorothy pushed the button and heard a silvery tinkle sound within. Then the big gate swung slowly  open,  and they all passed through and found themselves in a high arched  room, the walls of which glistened with countless emeralds.

  大门旁边有一个门铃,陶乐熙就去按了按,里面立即传来银铃般叮铃铃的声音。然后,大门摇荡着慢慢开了;他们走了进去,发现自己进了一个高高的圆拱形的屋子,每堵墙都闪闪发光,墙上镶有无数的翡翠。

 

体察故事中人物的感知过程:进了屋子,先是惊奇于“墙壁闪闪发光”,原来才发觉是“墙上镶嵌着无数翡翠”。

参较:

A、他们鱼贯而入,发现来到了一个拱顶房间,房间四壁镶嵌着无数翡翠,闪闪发光。

B、他们都走进去,发现自己来到了一个高高的圆顶的房间里,四面的墙壁上闪烁着无数绿宝石。

3)(第十七章)

"I can't find Toto anywhere," replied Dorothy, who did not wish to leave her little dog behind. Toto had run into the crowd to bark at a kitten, and Dorothy at last found him. She picked him up and ran towards the balloon.

“我还没找到托托!”陶乐熙答道,她可不愿丢下她的小狗狗!啊!终于找到了!原来,托托跑进人群里去追逐一只小猫!她一把抱起托托,跑向气球。

 

气球快起飞了,奥兹催促陶乐熙快去,但找不到托托,陶乐熙焦急万分!“啊!终于找到了!原来,托托跑进人群里去追逐一只小猫!”既叙述了故事,又表现出了陶乐熙当时的心情:找到托托才是最要紧的,然后才补充原委。

参较

A、     刚才托托冲到人群里去追逐一只小猫,陶乐熙终于找到了他。她把他抱起来,朝气球奔去。

B、     托托跑到人群里冲一只小猫汪汪叫,多萝西终于找到了它。她一把抱起它,朝气球跑去。

     5、保留原文的形象

    When Aunt Em came there to live she was a young, pretty wife. The sun and wind had changed her, too. They had taken the sparkle from her eyes and left them a sober gray; they had taken the red from her cheeks and lips, and they were gray also. She was thin and gaunt, and never smiled now.

当年爱姆婶婶初到草原时,还是个年轻漂亮的新媳妇儿。太阳和风也使她模样大变:夺走了她眼里的光泽,只留下了灰暗和严肃;也夺走了她脸颊和嘴唇上的红润,留下的还是灰色;她如今单薄憔悴,再也没有了笑容。

 

风吹日晒,常年劳作,沉重的生存压力,当然就老得快,心情也轻松不起来。该句原文用拟人化的手法,非常生动,这是“原作的丰姿”(鲁迅语),当然应该保留。

参较:

A、         爱姆婶婶刚来这儿定居的时候,还是个年轻、漂亮的新娘子。太阳和风使她也改变了模样。她眼睛里的火花不见了,只剩下忧郁的灰色;脸颊和嘴唇上的红润不见了,也只剩下一层灰色。现在,她瘦削、憔悴,从来不露笑脸。

B、           艾姆婶婶刚来这里的时候,是个年轻漂亮的新媳妇。太阳和大风把她也改变了:夺去了她眼睛里的光芒,使眼睛变得灰暗、严肃;还夺去了她面颊和嘴唇上的红润,使它们也变成了灰色。 她现在又瘦弱又憔悴,脸上再也没有了笑容。

6、音乐美与节奏感。

       这里指的是语言上的节奏感,不是全书故事发展的节奏感。

       英语以轻、重读音节的错落有致呈现出一种抑扬顿挫的音乐美与自然节奏,汉语以四声的变化搭配来体现音乐美与节奏感。一般说来,句子不能太长,读起来顺畅、舒服,语气、声调与其表达的内容相一致。

原作读起来自然、顺畅,舒服,表情达意恰到好处,译文也应该这样,凡读起来别扭的句子,必然没有音乐美。

1)(第一章)

In spite of the swaying of the house and the wailing of the wind,  Dorothy soon closed her eyes and fell fast asleep.

       房子依然摇晃,狂风依旧凄厉;尽管如此,陶乐熙还是很快就闭上了双眼,沉沉睡去。

参较:

A、   尽管房子在摇晃,狂风在尖号,陶乐熙很快闭上了双眼,一会儿就睡着了。

B、   尽管房子摇晃,风声凄厉,但多萝西很快就合上眼皮,沉沉地睡着了。

2) (第八章)

 "Run fast," said the Scarecrow to the Lion, "and get out of this deadly flower bed as soon as you can. We will bring the little girl with us, but if you should fall asleep you are too big to be carried."

So the Lion aroused himself and bounded forward as fast as he could go. In a moment he was out of sight.

“快跑!”稻草人对狮子说,“用最快的速度逃离这致命的花海!我们会带着小姑娘出来。要是你睡着了,我们可抬不动你。”

   随即,狮子打起精神,猛地一跃,一路夺命狂奔,瞬间不见踪影。

参较

A、      于是狮子振作起精神,拼尽全力朝前奔去,一眨眼功夫就不见了。

B、       狮子赶紧抖擞起精神,使出全身的力气往前跑,一眨眼就跑得没影儿了。

 

给出这些例子,只是表明笔者注意到了这个问题,也在这方面下功夫,全书的每一句都不放过;至于对不对,做到了什么程度,得由读者评判了。(汉字5753)

【未完待续,还有五、六、七、八四章, 欢迎争鸣】

译例 A引自:《绿野仙踪1》张建平  译,上海译文出版社2012年8月第一版。
         译例 B引自:《绿野仙踪》马爱农  译,中国国际广播出版社2007年8月版。

20140703【译艺探讨】 思考与比较1

20140704【译艺探索】思考与比较2、3&4


20140704【英译中】陶乐熙奇遇记7·2(1508字)

20140703【英译中】陶乐熙奇遇记7·1(1361字)

   20140702【英译中】陶乐熙奇遇记6·3


最后编辑于:2014-10-29 20:51
分类: 英语
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